cujothebigreddog | 2. The falcon cannot hear the falconer

[Private to Wanda]

We need to liase. CES, after your lunch shift: I'll request some picnic food from the Admiral so you don't haveta cook.

Okay by you?

[TW for talk of suicide in the comments.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

scarlet_discord

[She looks grim, tired and guarded.]

Fine.

From:

cujothebigreddog

[In the end his finicky winds up showing. Neat tupperware and baggies, mostly hand food. Chopped fresh vegetables, sausage, cheese, some soy sauce and hummus for dipping. Fruit. Some might consider it minimalist; he thinks it's a hell of a spread for a picnic.

He has a blanket spread, a notebook and pen beside him, and a copy of One Corpse Too Many to read while he waits.]

From:

scarlet_discord

[Wanda shows up quickly after her shift, moving stiffly, her eyes avoidant. She doesn't want to do this. Not again. But like everything else it's being forced on her. Another Warden. After the last two she doesn't have high hopes.]

[She mutely comes over and flops down at the far end of the blanket, facing him but not looking at him.]

From:

cujothebigreddog

[He puts his book down, marking his place with a napkin.]

Hi, Ms. Maximoff. How many wardens have you had, counting me?

From:

scarlet_discord

[She fidgets slightly.] God damn it, if he starts to lecture me on my conduct or efforts or anything else I will seal him inside of a rock from the waist down.

Three.

From:

cujothebigreddog

[He nods.]

I don't think your file is real current. So why don't we wait a while to address that, until we know each other better.

My name's Hendricks. Nathan Hendricks. New York native, but I've lived in Chicago for the last fifteen years. You had a couple people from my Chicago on the barge: archives showed that Karin Murphy and Molly Carpenter were here. I don't know either of them well, but I've worked with Ms. Murphy before.

From:

scarlet_discord

No. It isn't. And I doubt either of them bothered to write down any updates. That would have, you know, taken actual work.

[She sits quietly, listening to his explanation.] I didn't really know either of them, but okay.

From:

cujothebigreddog

[He actually doesn't register too much emotion at her grim assessment of her prior wardens. He works with John Marcone; he's used to worse emotional reactions.]

So here's where I need you to tell me what you think I oughta know about you.

From:

scarlet_discord

[She shrugs and is quiet for a few moments. Then she starts to talk. Her voice is flat and tired.]

When I first came here I was nice and cooperative and glad to be alive after what happened. I was scared to death because my powers were so diminished that I couldn't even defend myself, but I got fed a line about how the Wardens would protect me. I was naive. I believed it. It's bullshit.

Four months of good behavior later and my Warden's boyfriend kidnaps me, ties me to a bed and holds me hostage for three days. My Warden doesn't look for me. Instead he asks his boyfriend to do it. That goes as well as you might expect. I end up being rescued by accident, by someone else, due to an entirely unrelated set of circumstances. The boyfriend is never punished. He graduates instead. My Warden still refuses to give me back enough of my powers to defend myself, claiming I am "too unstable". His "compromise" is to get me physical self-defense training, something that takes a long time to become useful against the kind of people we have here. When I ask for an attack dog to hide behind I end up getting a puppy instead, which I have to train by myself. He does nothing about my emotional problems.

Finally I start to realize that he's an incompetent bastard who doesn't care about the danger he's put me in, and ask to see my file in the hopes that I can figure my own way out of here. That's when I learn that my memories have been altered. And the Hell I was put through. My memories come back in force. And I also learn that in order to be free I have to give up vindicating myself against my abusers. I have to let them get away with it. Apparently good people don't seek justice for themselves no matter how much they deserve it.

I fall apart. I don't hurt anybody, I just yell and cry and get depressed. I want to kill myself. And my Warden, instead of doing anything to help me, runs. Leaves the Barge. Leaves me with nothing.

Meanwhile I end up going through crisis after dangerous situation after injury, because the people I can rely on to actually help me amount to maybe a handful. My opinion of this place and the Wardens gets worn away by bullshit incident after bullshit incident.

Steph picks me up and I think things will turn out for the better. I'm still on good behavior. Always have been. The worst I have ever done is yell at people. I think Steph is good, that she'll listen, that I'll learn things from her. And it's okay for a while. I get some of my powers back, I keep training, I even save a few lives. Eventually I get all my powers back and for the first time in over a year, I don't have to live in fear anymore. But meanwhile bad crap keeps happening. I try to soldier through.

I end up giving up going back to my world entirely, because I have to let Daddy dearest and his asshole boyfriend get away with it. I can't live in a place where they are considered heroes and nobody cares what they did to me.

And that hurts so badly that I can't climb out of the pit it leaves me in. I have to force myself to go through my daily routine, I wake up every goddamn day and have to talk myself out of killing myself, because I have to deal with the aftermath of everything that has been done to me while they get off scot free, and I can't fucking stand it anymore. Steph is supposedly watching me regularly but somehow hasn't noticed, so I confront her. I let her know that I absolutely need help because I am falling apart, and if she can't help me she needs to find someone who can. She says she will. And then leaves me alone again. A Port rolls around and all I can think of is escaping or dying. I try to tell her that I have run out of hope and her basic response is "go on anyway". Which is absolutely useless.

[She has to stop and fight tears. She is not showing vulnerability in front of some stranger who probably gives less than a shit and will only be annoyed.]

I end up hearing a lot of the same bullshit from various Wardens. Be tough, tough it out, stop whining, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, everyone's got problems, nobody can help you, stop being dramatic, grow up. I'm already being as tough as I can just by making myself go through my fucking routine, but nobody seems to understand or give a fuck. Once we get back, Steph doesn't talk to me for another two weeks in spite of her promise to check in with me. Apparently spying on me from afar was all she thought I needed. I confront her, and she gets defensive and bitchy, but I persist, and finally she throws up her hands, and instead of checking in once a week or two like I needed we're meeting daily.

But it goes nowhere. Every time I try to bring up what I am going through she tries to change the subject. So I confront her again. She gets defensive and pissed and says she doesn't know how to help me. In the end she makes a halfassed suggestion that I try researching a certain type of therapy on my own. That very afternoon, I find out we have been unpaired.

By this point all I can think about regularly is killing myself. I have to talk myself out of it four, five times a day, telling myself it won't work and will only upset my few friends and my dog. I'm still trying my best to stick to my schedule, and go blow off steam in a remote part of the CES where no one will be frightened or hurt. There, I meet a few people and finally learn from them that I can ask for psychiatric medication without my Warden's approval. Nobody has told me that Inmates have this right. Nobody ever even suggested it before. Certainly not my Wardens. I get my ass down to the Infirmary and get a prescription. Now I just have to wait the month for it to kick in fully. But I know it won't fix everything.

I ask for the local telepath to help me and he says "no, it's unethical". Same thing with two people with hypnosis. There are no shrinks on board, and every time I tell my story most of what I get is "I can't help you". I end up having a few people offer to teach me things, like some academic stuff to help with my massive undereducation. I accept. I also ask the local Vulcan to help me learn to suppress my emotions, because I'm not living with this shit any longer. I figure I have to get out of here myself, because no matter who I am assigned to they're not going to give me what I need.

I have made every possible effort to "fix myself", without adequate help or support. Then they assign me to you, which is--whatever. I'm not exactly a troublemaker and I'm already working my ass off trying to figure out how to get out of this nightmare factory, so congratulations, you have an inmate who's already doing the work for you.

[Her voice starts to shake.] But I swear to God, I'm not taking any more bullshit. If your only idea is to tell me to "suck it up" or any of that, keep it to yourself. If you don't actually care enough to do something to help me, just be honest about it instead of spouting platitudes like the others.

From:

cujothebigreddog

[He listens to her quietly; the second she's done, he snaps into business. His tone isn't without sympathy, but his first priority isn't making friends, here.]

So our first order of business is the suicidal ideation. I'm not a psychiatrist or a pharmacologist so I'm going to have to ask what you're on so that I can read up on it.

We're gonna revisit that in a month and ask them to adjust the dosage if you haven't felt any effects.

[His gruffness, his generic urban accent hasn't faded; but the words sound natural in his mouth. He's obviously not putting anything on. He writes that down, a little action-item.]

I'm gonna ask you to keep a mood journal for the next four weeks-- frequency, duration, and severity of depressive and rage episodes. If you have any manic episodes or just periods of contentment, that'd be good to know, too. It'll help nail down symptoms if you wind up needing to tweak the meds.

[Scribble, scribble. To-do.]

You're already ready to give it a month, so I don't have to ask you to give it a full run. But if you do wind up having any effects so bad you need to change the dosage on an emergency basis, I need you to tell me. Change first, but tell me.

You self-medicating at all? Alcohol, other recrational drugs?

From:

scarlet_discord

[Getting the whole story off her chest actually helps her, and she relaxes a bit. Talking to this guy is a bit like talking to Kay, and she's all right with that. Plus he's actually addressing things and that gets him points straight off.]

They started me on ten milligrams of Celexa. No side effects so far except for some queasiness and trails. They are waiting to see how I respond to it. I go down to the Infirmary and get my dose there.

[She nods.] Mood diary. OK, got it. I can do that. Isn't there like some form Docs use so you can give permission for someone to see your medical records?

[She thinks about it.] I got tempted to self-medicate with alcohol. But it really bothered some of my friends, and so I put a limit on myself. I visit the pub Saturday nights and that's it.

I've never tried any serious drugs. Being that altered would remind me too much of the damn hospital. Smoked pot once or twice.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Yeah; if you want me to have access, I don't think the barge is exactly set up with HIPAA oversight, you know what I'm saying? But you can request the infirmary to share with me, they'll probably be okay.

[A scribble he doesn't announce to her-- Read up on doc/pat conf. prisons, psych wards. He's not super sure of the ethics there and he likes to be sure.]

Honestly I don't really wanna talk about your file too much until you're feeling safe again? Sorry about putting it on the back burner for a while but...

[Suicidal ideation on this level is a health emergency and anything he does besides helping her get stable again could trigger any number of nasty side effects. Why the hell doesn't the admiral pick up psychiatrists... well, he never could convince John to see a shrink either so maybe he's the emergency goto.]

How'd the pot go? Any paranoia? Good effects, bad?

From:

scarlet_discord

I just remember there was lots of paperwork at the...uh...hospital. I used to memorize everything I saw and heard. I figured I could use it to get out.

...no, it's OK. I...I can just focus on doing things instead of remembering things for a while.

[She's a little surprised by the question, but sits up a little straighter and furrows her brows.]

No paranoia. I actually didn't notice a lack of motivation either. Maybe a little munchies. I had to know when to say when though. There was this point where I was actually feeling better and that was it, but then I went beyond that and got stoned.

From:

cujothebigreddog

We should probably keep up with your self defense-- for the routine and the effects of exercise. I'd ask the docs about interaction, but I think if you think it'll help a marijuana prescription might not be a bad idea.

I'm not one of the guys who think it's side-effect free-- I mean I like Hicks but as a comedian, not a medical advice outlet, you know? But it's less addictive than alcohol in my experience.

[He flips a page in his notebook.]

So that's what I wanna focus on for the time being-- what about you? Routine changes you want, anything you need from me, warden-access wise?

From:

scarlet_discord

Yeah, now that I have it it's a useful skill, especially when I get depowered. And I feel less focused without the regular exercise.

[The idea of a marijuana prescription makes her blink. She has heard of such things but has never considered it for herself.] That's weird. I actually had a parallel who was trying to medicate herself that way. In the pseudo Hogwarts place. Were you there then or did you come on after?

Anyway, I need a few days to think about it.

[She considers.]

After the crap we all just went through this place needs some pie. It's one of the few things I am really good at making. I just need help negotiating some extra time in the kitchens.

Other than that I mostly just need lots of access to the CES. It's the only safe place for me to practice with my powers.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Actually I was there. Student. Lot of that going around in the school, kinda where I got the idea.

[He puts aside his notebook and pulls out his warden item-- a smartphone. No network, obviously, but he sets series of recurring meetings marked Wanda To CES and a reminder to Schedule Kitchen Time.]

Can do. I'll get you in here daily before your lunch shift. Reconvene about the meds in a week? Hopefully I'll have something that isn't just chemical by then.

[Back to the notepad. Rsrch emotional int. coping mechanisms.]

From:

scarlet_discord

She had the idea of concentrating it into an extract, kind of a sugar syrup thing, so she could use it without the smell getting everywhere. Unfortunately I can't entirely figure out how she planned to do it. She was better at alchemy than I am by a long shot.

[A nod. Focusing on business is actually working.] Right. Gonna need your favorite kinda pie then. It's a thing.

[She thinks about it. Yeah, she has other ideas and plans but right now she has limited energy thanks to the depression. The other stuff will wait.]

Sounds good.

From:

cujothebigreddog

All right. [He nods, and waves her at the food.]

Grab a bite? And we can talk non-business.

From:

scarlet_discord

[Wanda nods and makes up a plate, heavy on the vegetables.]

Better to get the heavy stuff out of the way first. Otherwise I just sit there anticipating it.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Not a real efficient use of time. [It's an agreement.]

I like having action items ahead.

Personal question out of curiosity-- how many languages do you speak?

From:

scarlet_discord

Well...my Mom was Transian Roma. Basically in my world Transia is a neighbor of Romania instead of part of it like on most of the Library maps. So I know...some Romani, and some Transian. I picked up a little bit of Latin from Agatha, but none of it is anything to write home about yet.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Yeah, same. Not the same languages, but that's about my level of pickup besides English. Did a little Latin in college, know a little Norwegian but I don't know how much is modern and what's Old Norse. I have a pal speaks it and she's been speaking it a really long time. [A tiny smile there. Sigrun is the best.]

From:

scarlet_discord

Trying to prep for college. I actually was studying in secret ever since I got here. It's kinda hard to admit to people that I'm as behind as I am. But I got some tutors now and a stack of stuff to study.

...actually I uh, have a videobook reader from something like the twenty sixth century. I saw the kiosk at a port and just dumped as much stuff on it as I could. I have over a hundred titles on there.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Yeah? Modern to the 26th century? Any poetry? [He perks a little]

From:

scarlet_discord

Some. [She munches on a carrot.] I can go grab it if you want.

From:

cujothebigreddog

Not now, but definitely at some point.

[He carefully constructs a sausage-hummus-cheese mini sandwich.]

Any idea what you wanna major in?

From:

scarlet_discord

Okay. I'll bring it next time then. I bet Tony Stark could whip up a reader to phone converter for the files in no time if you want some.

[She frowns a little.]

I'm interested in the science behind my power just as I am the magic behind it. So probably chaos theory, which means at least a Master's.

From:

cujothebigreddog

You think chaotic behavior is just you, or a bigger part of your generation of randomized mutation?

[Nom Nom Nom.]

From:

scarlet_discord

I think it's connected. Nobody has really fully tracked how and why mutations manifest in the ways they do and in the people they do. But that's more a geneticist's job. I'm just looking to approach my powers from both the scientific side and the magical side.

[She stuffs a cracker in her mouth.]

What are your thoughts on dogs?